My query is not a practical, but a more emotional one. I returned to work in January (part-time) after 3 years of being ill and spending most of this time at home alone.
I am so pleased to be feeling better on the whole, but have found that I have become far less sociable than I was before I became ill. I know this is probably as a result of spending so much time on my own, but worry that the desire to be around people more is not coming back. I feel like I have gone from being an extrovert to a bit of a loner! Do any other members feel this way and have they found ways of dealing with this?
Many thanks and best wishes to all.
| Posted to: |
COMMENTS
Re: Fw: Query for Wellies Noticeboard - on becoming a loner
I am in your position also,though I am still far from well enough to return to teaching.I have had severe ME for 3yrs-mostly bedbound and housebound but have made remerkable progress(I do not say I an cured yet! ) with Reverse Therapy.I am now able to be awake all day and do some household things that my carer has had to do for 2yrs.Back also to driving which is wonderful as we live in middle of country!
I can understand your emotions exactly!I was a busy mum of 2,wife and supply teacher.I did everything ,then ME made me unable to do anything for myself.Being so ill disables you both physically and emotionally!It is scary to go back out into the real world as ME's effects isolate us. For me there was some security in being so ill ,as there was just no question of me being able to do anything for myself.(I do realise I have been really lucky in that I got IB and had the financial support of my husband,others have a far harder time) As I started to have RT i SUDDENLY HAD TO GO INTO THE REAL WORLD AGAIN AND FACE ALL THE ISSUES ID PUT ON HOLD-THIS IS SCARY SCARY!!!The first time I went into a shop on my own I wandered around in a daze and then felt so overwhelmed and surrounded by people I walked out again!Pre M.E ,I loved nothing better than a day shopping!!!!
Have found telephoning very hard and have spent days and days plucking up courage to phone people.Again I spent so long unable to talk coherently.
According to my Reverse Therapist THE FEAR of GETTING WELL can ACTUALLY PRODUCE NEW SYMPTOMS.What needs to be understood is that us folks with Me have come through a very serious illness,often completely unsupported.It is natural that getting back in to the real world will be hard.We need to take small steps to restore our confidence and above all listen to gut feelings!Every time I have rushed ahead eg wondered if I should change career I have relapsed and have come to conclusion I am not ready for this and need to find time to be me again,rather than an ill person.
I was a very sociable person pre ME but have found that I am less able to just chat away to folks now.Part of this is I havnt got much to talk about after 3 yrs,part is the fact Ive had plenty of time to reflect on my life and have now a new set of priorities!I am happy now in my own company and quite content,though happy to be able to meet friend for a coffee and chat too.
My health-physical,emotional and spiritual- come s FIRST.As we have found ,without this, life is a struggle to exist.My family and friends next.PreME everything and everyone came before my own needs which I ignored!I now have sheer joy just to be able to open eyes in morning,be able to get up and not immediately feel so ill.I am sure anyone whos been through illness or trauma will change their priorities.
For me,my faith and my family and the few real friends who have stuck around have got me through the worst.How many of us can say we are so lucky to be alive,how many of us know who our real friends are?I now can spend time with my family and the friends I know really care,rather than the ones who were fairweather friends.Being less sociable is better as we waste alot of time with people who can drag us down??I see a lot of my contemporaries who are just on a treadmill of doing doing doing!For Me ,ME has been BEING!We are human beings,wonderful for who we are NOT what we do!!!
When I meet new people now I smile!Sometimes it gets a conversation,but if not I dont fret over it anymore!With phone calls I still write notes as still apt to forget what saying!aLSO i FIND THAT I am a better listener now.As I have less to say I listen more to others and think more about my views and opinions before speaking!!!!
Didnt mean to write so much-hope this makes sense to you!Sorry if a ramble!!Hope this is of some help!
Cheers to all us wellies-what a brill name for us!!!
I can understand your emotions exactly!I was a busy mum of 2,wife and supply teacher.I did everything ,then ME made me unable to do anything for myself.Being so ill disables you both physically and emotionally!It is scary to go back out into the real world as ME's effects isolate us. For me there was some security in being so ill ,as there was just no question of me being able to do anything for myself.(I do realise I have been really lucky in that I got IB and had the financial support of my husband,others have a far harder time) As I started to have RT i SUDDENLY HAD TO GO INTO THE REAL WORLD AGAIN AND FACE ALL THE ISSUES ID PUT ON HOLD-THIS IS SCARY SCARY!!!The first time I went into a shop on my own I wandered around in a daze and then felt so overwhelmed and surrounded by people I walked out again!Pre M.E ,I loved nothing better than a day shopping!!!!
Have found telephoning very hard and have spent days and days plucking up courage to phone people.Again I spent so long unable to talk coherently.
According to my Reverse Therapist THE FEAR of GETTING WELL can ACTUALLY PRODUCE NEW SYMPTOMS.What needs to be understood is that us folks with Me have come through a very serious illness,often completely unsupported.It is natural that getting back in to the real world will be hard.We need to take small steps to restore our confidence and above all listen to gut feelings!Every time I have rushed ahead eg wondered if I should change career I have relapsed and have come to conclusion I am not ready for this and need to find time to be me again,rather than an ill person.
I was a very sociable person pre ME but have found that I am less able to just chat away to folks now.Part of this is I havnt got much to talk about after 3 yrs,part is the fact Ive had plenty of time to reflect on my life and have now a new set of priorities!I am happy now in my own company and quite content,though happy to be able to meet friend for a coffee and chat too.
My health-physical,emotional and spiritual- come s FIRST.As we have found ,without this, life is a struggle to exist.My family and friends next.PreME everything and everyone came before my own needs which I ignored!I now have sheer joy just to be able to open eyes in morning,be able to get up and not immediately feel so ill.I am sure anyone whos been through illness or trauma will change their priorities.
For me,my faith and my family and the few real friends who have stuck around have got me through the worst.How many of us can say we are so lucky to be alive,how many of us know who our real friends are?I now can spend time with my family and the friends I know really care,rather than the ones who were fairweather friends.Being less sociable is better as we waste alot of time with people who can drag us down??I see a lot of my contemporaries who are just on a treadmill of doing doing doing!For Me ,ME has been BEING!We are human beings,wonderful for who we are NOT what we do!!!
When I meet new people now I smile!Sometimes it gets a conversation,but if not I dont fret over it anymore!With phone calls I still write notes as still apt to forget what saying!aLSO i FIND THAT I am a better listener now.As I have less to say I listen more to others and think more about my views and opinions before speaking!!!!
Didnt mean to write so much-hope this makes sense to you!Sorry if a ramble!!Hope this is of some help!
Cheers to all us wellies-what a brill name for us!!!
Re: Fw: Query for Wellies Noticeboard - on becoming a loner
I can totally relate to the way you feel. I too returned to work this year
in June (part-time) and after 3 years.
Also being an extrovert and knowing far too many people, alot of which relied
upon me to listen to their 'stuff', the shoulder to cry and lean on.
Since being unwell I found I had to socially let go and only allowed a few
close friends contact and then it was by Email. I had to put myself first
and do what was best for me. It took along time to adopt that behaviour,
but practice makes perfect and now even though I'm a 'wellie' I still have
continued that way. In fact since starting work (and wow what a big transition
that is) I've sometimes put off seeing the close friends. Work takes my energy
and outside of that I have to ensure I have quality time for me to continue
my daily routine of maintenance to keep well, eg walking 10mins, doing a
daily meditation/relaxation tape, vegging out with the TV, reading, eating
healthily, and recently weight-bearing, static exercises (managed to get
rehabiliatation physio on the NHS as my muscles have vanished)
In my childhood I was lonely but over the years learnt how not to be and
that has helped during ME times. In fact I enjoy my own company, I never
get bored as the gratitude flows that I have progressed from this chronic
illness through my own determination and actions.
Returning to work and interacting with people gave me another challenge.
It's like relearning those skills and building confidence again - need I
say more!!! Anyway a few weeks ago I was asked if I wanted to join the lottery
syndicate and I took that as a good sign and feel more accepted and part
of the furniture!!!! Won the bonus ball in the first week!!! Just waiting
on the Euromillions!!!!
So I would not worry about it, so long as you feel happy with your own
company, just remember after coming through this illness you will have changed
in many ways, always for the better and your life is your journey, no-one
else's. Hope this helps
in June (part-time) and after 3 years.
Also being an extrovert and knowing far too many people, alot of which relied
upon me to listen to their 'stuff', the shoulder to cry and lean on.
Since being unwell I found I had to socially let go and only allowed a few
close friends contact and then it was by Email. I had to put myself first
and do what was best for me. It took along time to adopt that behaviour,
but practice makes perfect and now even though I'm a 'wellie' I still have
continued that way. In fact since starting work (and wow what a big transition
that is) I've sometimes put off seeing the close friends. Work takes my energy
and outside of that I have to ensure I have quality time for me to continue
my daily routine of maintenance to keep well, eg walking 10mins, doing a
daily meditation/relaxation tape, vegging out with the TV, reading, eating
healthily, and recently weight-bearing, static exercises (managed to get
rehabiliatation physio on the NHS as my muscles have vanished)
In my childhood I was lonely but over the years learnt how not to be and
that has helped during ME times. In fact I enjoy my own company, I never
get bored as the gratitude flows that I have progressed from this chronic
illness through my own determination and actions.
Returning to work and interacting with people gave me another challenge.
It's like relearning those skills and building confidence again - need I
say more!!! Anyway a few weeks ago I was asked if I wanted to join the lottery
syndicate and I took that as a good sign and feel more accepted and part
of the furniture!!!! Won the bonus ball in the first week!!! Just waiting
on the Euromillions!!!!
So I would not worry about it, so long as you feel happy with your own
company, just remember after coming through this illness you will have changed
in many ways, always for the better and your life is your journey, no-one
else's. Hope this helps
Re: Fw: Query for Wellies Noticeboard - on becoming a loner
I have had a very
similar experience. Even though I work and have a busy life, my tolerance
for large groups of people in a social context has never really come back.
In my case I think I am naturally an introvert, so for the most part it's
not something i mind that much - I've accepted that I'm happier this way.
i do still go to parties and step outside my comfort zone from time to time,
but I only do it on the occasions I really want to go to, and when I'm
feeling fairly well and strong. I've also learned to seek out people at
parties with whom I can have a one-to-one conversation, which makes it
easier for me to participate. I can still talk to lots of people that way,
but only one at a time. I also find it gets easier with practice, so you
may like to try doing something just a little more demanding from time to
time to see if you can build those social muscles ... but only a little, and
have alone time planned in case you need to rebalance afterwards.
The thing that works best for me is to initiate group situations which I
know I will enjoy. For instance, rather than going out to a pub en masse
I'm inviting everyone I know to a bonfire party on my allotment. Or I'll
invite up to 6 people to go out to a gallery with me or out for tea. Being
proactive is the key to getting the situations you want! And it makes it
easier to turn down the social invitations that sound stressful or
exhausting.
But having said that, those are just the exceptions: for the most part I
have a really rewarding social life on the 1:1 or 1:2 level. That's where
I feel most comfortable, have most fun, and I don't get anywhere near so
tired.
Hope that's helpful!
similar experience. Even though I work and have a busy life, my tolerance
for large groups of people in a social context has never really come back.
In my case I think I am naturally an introvert, so for the most part it's
not something i mind that much - I've accepted that I'm happier this way.
i do still go to parties and step outside my comfort zone from time to time,
but I only do it on the occasions I really want to go to, and when I'm
feeling fairly well and strong. I've also learned to seek out people at
parties with whom I can have a one-to-one conversation, which makes it
easier for me to participate. I can still talk to lots of people that way,
but only one at a time. I also find it gets easier with practice, so you
may like to try doing something just a little more demanding from time to
time to see if you can build those social muscles ... but only a little, and
have alone time planned in case you need to rebalance afterwards.
The thing that works best for me is to initiate group situations which I
know I will enjoy. For instance, rather than going out to a pub en masse
I'm inviting everyone I know to a bonfire party on my allotment. Or I'll
invite up to 6 people to go out to a gallery with me or out for tea. Being
proactive is the key to getting the situations you want! And it makes it
easier to turn down the social invitations that sound stressful or
exhausting.
But having said that, those are just the exceptions: for the most part I
have a really rewarding social life on the 1:1 or 1:2 level. That's where
I feel most comfortable, have most fun, and I don't get anywhere near so
tired.
Hope that's helpful!
Re: Fw: Query for Wellies Noticeboard - on becoming a loner
Thanks for the response to my query. It's so useful
to chat to others in a similar situations.
I think you are right in saying that sociability is a
muscle that needs to be excercised-mine has definitely
been out of use for a while! I also think it's a good
idea to seek out and create social situations that
work best for us-and to be aware of situations that
might be too exhausting. I still can't really handle
places with loud music, or where you have to stand up
for ages-although I'm not sure I coped well with those
things before I got ill!
It's great that you went for it and created the
wellies network. As you say, it isn't always easy
setting up new ventures- but I think there is a "gap
in the market" for this one.
I've been thinking of setting up an creative group for
people with long-term illness for a while now. Maybe
now I'm a bit better it's time to take some action!
Thanks again
to chat to others in a similar situations.
I think you are right in saying that sociability is a
muscle that needs to be excercised-mine has definitely
been out of use for a while! I also think it's a good
idea to seek out and create social situations that
work best for us-and to be aware of situations that
might be too exhausting. I still can't really handle
places with loud music, or where you have to stand up
for ages-although I'm not sure I coped well with those
things before I got ill!
It's great that you went for it and created the
wellies network. As you say, it isn't always easy
setting up new ventures- but I think there is a "gap
in the market" for this one.
I've been thinking of setting up an creative group for
people with long-term illness for a while now. Maybe
now I'm a bit better it's time to take some action!
Thanks again
