At this precise moment I am trying to deal with a setback and it’s a struggle. So if anyone can share their similar experience or any comfort, reassurance etc, I would gratefully welcome.
I have been working part-time since June this year as an Invoicing Clerk and going back to work was a major transition, especially on the confidence front. Anyway the week before last it was monthend and for the first time I was on my own, as the accountant was on holiday. I felt panicky that I wouldn’t be able to cope and complete the work to the set deadlines, as the week began. I ended up working 4 days on the trot (I usually work Mon/Wed/Fri 4 hours per day, which is good pacing) and on the 4th day worked 8 hours with only 15 minute lunch break, eating sandwiches (I’m wheat intolerant). I felt my only choice was to walk out from the job and I just couldn’t do that and feel I’d lose the progress made. I was completely stressed out and reliving the pressurised environment of my last job (3.5 years ago), pre ME.
Since then I’ve been suffering physically – pain from seized muscles and misaligned joints, mentally – I’m still going over how stupid I was to let this happen and how I should have spoken out and said ‘no’ I can’t do this. Although I did say after I’d finished the work, ‘this must never happen again’ and I have been promised that it won’t. A few of my friends and the accountant said I should be feeling proud, especially as I didn’t make any mistakes. But I don’t feel proud, just that I’ve messed up my progress with ME.
This weekend I’ve been very fluey and in turmoil and panic. Am I relapsing (I’ve had 3 over the 3 years) or have I picked up germs from my work colleagues? My patience seems to have disappeared. I’m going through positive and negative waves. The thoughts and fears of relapsing have been overwhelming, to the point that I can’t see myself coping and living with another relapse which is my fault. I’m hoping because of this feeling, that I haven’t relapsed.
I have been working part-time since June this year as an Invoicing Clerk and going back to work was a major transition, especially on the confidence front. Anyway the week before last it was monthend and for the first time I was on my own, as the accountant was on holiday. I felt panicky that I wouldn’t be able to cope and complete the work to the set deadlines, as the week began. I ended up working 4 days on the trot (I usually work Mon/Wed/Fri 4 hours per day, which is good pacing) and on the 4th day worked 8 hours with only 15 minute lunch break, eating sandwiches (I’m wheat intolerant). I felt my only choice was to walk out from the job and I just couldn’t do that and feel I’d lose the progress made. I was completely stressed out and reliving the pressurised environment of my last job (3.5 years ago), pre ME.
Since then I’ve been suffering physically – pain from seized muscles and misaligned joints, mentally – I’m still going over how stupid I was to let this happen and how I should have spoken out and said ‘no’ I can’t do this. Although I did say after I’d finished the work, ‘this must never happen again’ and I have been promised that it won’t. A few of my friends and the accountant said I should be feeling proud, especially as I didn’t make any mistakes. But I don’t feel proud, just that I’ve messed up my progress with ME.
This weekend I’ve been very fluey and in turmoil and panic. Am I relapsing (I’ve had 3 over the 3 years) or have I picked up germs from my work colleagues? My patience seems to have disappeared. I’m going through positive and negative waves. The thoughts and fears of relapsing have been overwhelming, to the point that I can’t see myself coping and living with another relapse which is my fault. I’m hoping because of this feeling, that I haven’t relapsed.
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COMMENTS
Re: Re: Dealing with setbacks
I just saw your post - don't be so hard on yourself. When you've got M.E you have to be the nurse and the patient at the same time. There is nothing or no one to stop you going over the invisible boundary between well and ill, so it's no wonder it happens sometimes. No one else knows exactly what you are feeling, and that's why you feel so bad that you let yourself down.
That said, I am exactly the same! I've been off work for a year (yikes) now and in the summer I planned a little BBQ to remedy my waning social life. I totally over-did it with the preparations, which no one hardly noticed, and relapsed quite badly.
Like you, I totally beat myself up of course, but I think what I learned is that the boundaries might not be where you think they are. E.g. the part that got out of control was my habit of trying to be a perfectionist, to struggle by myself, and to please other people. So, now when the cracks start to show, I work out how I can take the pressure off myself, cut some corners and let people think what they want. I think I was trying to hide the illness, so that I felt 'normal' again for an evening.
It was really brave of you to go back into a busy office environment. No one is impervious to that kind of stress, and the impulse to join in the foray would be hard to resist. Maybe you should listen to your 'inner nurse' when things get tough. Mine tells me to have a nice sit down, and cancel a few appointments (but I have to make the tea myself!)
Best of luck!
JT
That said, I am exactly the same! I've been off work for a year (yikes) now and in the summer I planned a little BBQ to remedy my waning social life. I totally over-did it with the preparations, which no one hardly noticed, and relapsed quite badly.
Like you, I totally beat myself up of course, but I think what I learned is that the boundaries might not be where you think they are. E.g. the part that got out of control was my habit of trying to be a perfectionist, to struggle by myself, and to please other people. So, now when the cracks start to show, I work out how I can take the pressure off myself, cut some corners and let people think what they want. I think I was trying to hide the illness, so that I felt 'normal' again for an evening.
It was really brave of you to go back into a busy office environment. No one is impervious to that kind of stress, and the impulse to join in the foray would be hard to resist. Maybe you should listen to your 'inner nurse' when things get tough. Mine tells me to have a nice sit down, and cancel a few appointments (but I have to make the tea myself!)
Best of luck!
JT
